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Saturday, 19 April 2014

The Secret Language of Business Revealed...

....a Humourous look at the DaBrenty Code... 

There are a series of Secret Codes and Phrases that are only known by Managers and CEO's, a Code that is simple to understand and interpret when you understand them. 

Otherwise known by the collective term - "Complete Boll@&#$.." - this is your guide to greater understanding and enlightenment of the secret language of Business..
 
It's a bit like 420 being the code for Cannabis - it's only known by those in the clique; so welcome to the Management Clique, and prepare to be demystified...

1. Challenging Trading Conditions - roughly means that planning and strategic thinking has been woeful, and that shareholders and stakeholders should expect low returns and dividends; in other words "we are screwed and we know it..."

It also means that the CEO is terrified that he or she will have to actually do what they are being paid for in the first place; anyone can run a business when trading conditions are favourable...

2. Confident of hitting Budget - we're in free fall and don't have a clue what to do, so the best we can hope for is that we hit the budgetted numbers we took a wild guess at over a bottle of Chianti 6 months ago. We have no chance of achieving anything this year, so of you want a dividend or a pay rise - good luck.

If the best a CEO can do is hit budget then, fire them; Budget should be minimum for survival, a good CEO will blast a budget out of the water...

3. Blue Sky Thinking - we have no idea what we are doing and are going to have to start from scratch. They may as well throw a set of chicken bones in the air or consult the Tarot; abandon all hope all who participate here.

Once CEO's start talking about Brainstorming, Pushing the Envelope and Running Ideas up the Flagpole to see who Salutes it; we know the game is up, and there is no hope of hitting profit targets this or any year.

4. Employee Empowerment - the beatings will continue until morale improves. Simply means that employees will be able to chose their flavour of working harder and achieving "ever more with ever less".

Employees will be empowered to leave and be successful somewhere else, or to work more hours for less pay so that the CEO experiencing #1 will somehow keep their jobs long enough to get the bonus cheque.

5. Going the Extra Mile - we so completely underestimated the scale of the problem that we have to work twice as hard with half the resources in order to survive.

Probably means that you will be expected to work at home, over the weekend and bend over forwards, backwards and sideways in order to keep the business in the black; and enable the CEO to Push the Envelope even further into the abyss while on the Golf Course.

6. We're Turning a Supertanker - we have no clue what we are doing and as a consequence we are going to do nothing for a while so don't expect to see any improvements for some time yet.

Actually, supertankers turn pretty quick - they can stop in 20 minutes and turn around within 2km. So if anything in Business takes longer than 20 minutes or needs travelling further than 2km - it's out of control.

7. Win Win Situation - management has won and will let you know how you can be happy about the crumbs left over or the non negotiable outcomes that they have chosen for you.

Usually found in the preamble to negotiations and discussions about pay & conditions; what it means is that you will have to compromise what you actually want to satisfy the needs of the company that pays your wages and they will make life hell if you don't capitulate with grace. Give up your dreams, you can't win this one...

8. Disruptive Innovation - we can't make any money doing what we thought we could, so we are going to have to do something new and hope that it just might work.

The last gasp of the desperate; if all else fails, cause chaos and keep your fingers crossed. Difficulty here of course is that the CEO that couldn't Turn the Super Tanker by Going the Extra Mile (or 2km..) has little or no chance of guessing right here either - put your pension and stocks on Black in the Casino; the odds are higher...

9. Strategic Globalisation - you are all fired and your jobs will now be done in India or Africa by people with twice the qualifications who will work for 1/10 of the pay.

It also means that although the company will be profiteering from the skills of the locally educated workforce, they will not be paying any taxes towards the education system that produced them.

10. Lean Management Strategy - see # 9 above. Lean is simply a buzzword for cutting overheads and "waste" which includes holidays, benefits, inefficiency and any suggestion of "waste".

Beware the 7 Wastes of Lean - the term is Muda - and they include; Transport, Inventory, Motion, Waiting, Overproduction , Over Processing, Defects. Basically, you have nowhere to hide from the Six Sigma Blackbelt Ninjas; you are screwed here too, just like before..

11. Gamifiaction - we are going to make your job like a game so that you have fun while you are at works and perpetuate the myth that management actually has a clue what they are doing while they distract you and everyone else from the fact that - they have no clue what is going on.

A bit like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic; this strategy will at least make you smile as you lose your job at #9 and get sliced up during  #10.

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