Apple Launches the new WiFone...

...will this gadget finally make wives obsolete...?

OK so it's not a phone it's a watch, but with the tools available on the latest offering from Apple, I just think that Wifone would be so much better as a name; and here's why...

The iWatch - has some incredible tricks up it's sleeve, but in reality it just seems to be a replacement for Wives, so at the risk of getting "feedback" I thought I'd explain how...

Paraphrasing from the Apple Website...

Welcome to the The WiFone...

1. " A device that helps you stay on schedule, in touch and headed in the right direction. And a health and fitness companion that never stops thinking of ways for you to become more active and fit..."

This is exactly what Lynn does for me, whilst mildly irritating at times, it has been shown to be effective, she also kindly gives me lists of activities ranging from cleaning, shopping and going to Ikea ...

2. "Each comes with a range of faces, the opportunities for personalisation are virtually endless.."

Lynn has a whole range of expressions, and the range is indeed virtually endless. They range from happy to sad to blind rage when I don't put the recycling into the appropriate container.

Based upon my behavior - this Blog for example - I am able to predict with 97% accuracy, which face will be displayed... 

3. "You won't just see and respond to messages, calls and notifications easily and intuitively; you'll actually feel them..."

If I don't respond to messages I actually get to feel the cold chill of disappointment transmitted across the room - followed by shoes, kitchen utensils, cans of soup etc...

4. "It even gets your attention the way another person would - by tapping you. There are subtle audio cues too; with different types of notifications having their own unique character..." 

Lynn does this - she will tap me gently with the frying pan until I pay attention. The subtle audio cues include voices, loud ringing in the ears and gentle vocal encouragement at 120 db - they all have their own unique character and meaning...

5. "It can buy coffee, groceries and more for you; with a simple set up it can use your credit and debit cards at hundred of thousands of locations..."

Lynn is an expert at this and the range of products that she can purchase is already impressive. Shoes, Champagne and Salon visits are a specialty, but she has recently been upgraded and can now buy cars, fancy ornaments and international travel too...

6. "It measures your total body movement, and it always knows where you are through tracking capabilities..."

Monitoring my movements and whereabouts has become a skill; Lynn knows where I am, who I am with and even what I am saying at all times; she calls this her sixth sense and it is accurate to within 50 cm at any time...

7. "It senses when you stand up and gives you credit when you do - if you've been sitting too long it reminds you to get up..."

If I stand up it is usually under instruction to go to the fridge and fetch Champagne, Chocolate or ind the remote control - but I am always given credit for it, especially when there is champagne and chocolate involved...

8. "Lets friends and loved ones know you are thinking of them..."

Lynn sends out cards, present and messages to family friends and people I have never met to wish them Happy Birthday, Christmas, Easter, Mothers Day, Fathers Day etc. All dates are programmed in and auto responders set...

9. "You don't have to use words - the Digital Touch feature gives you fun, spontaneous ways to connect.."

In the old says this was called foreplay, and whilst after 28 years of marriage, some of the early spontaneity has subsided; there are a range of Digital Touches that we find still work and are available on the Anne Summers website available in "discreet" packaging...

10. "When you press two fingers, it records your heart rate, can sense stress levels and even if you are lying..."

I tried this and I can confirm that pressing two fingers onto Lynn's face does actually cause stress and increased Heart Rate, plus an impending visit to A&E...

Lynn - as all women do - also has a built in lie detector. Apparently it is a remote device that is also known as my forehead, on which messages are displayed affirming truth, lies and the famous "you gotta be kidding me.." disbelief message.

Lynn came with the additional "bull$£&t detector" application to - it was an optional extra that I was instructed to go for by her mother...


11. "It also has a Vibrate setting" - no further comments needed...

So instead of getting married to your soul mate, simply get the WiFone from Apple - you know it makes sense - they can even be upgraded regularly so that you always have the latest model on your wrist...

This may be the last Blog I ever do - Lynn also has a built in "word recognition" app so will be able to read this; and then very likely be able to use her "delete Husband.." setting...

PS - I Love you Lynn Holland...

That should do it...